News With a Difference

HOUSTON -- Russian cosmonauts on Saturday began turning back on some crucial systems that had been shut down more than four days ago when a computer system on the Russian side of the international space station crashed. Spokesman, Spasky Boris told the Doom Brothers, “The Cosmonauts were bored and in spite of their orders, and RIAA, they downloaded that stupid Kazaa Program. The spyware just got in everything. We finally had to reload the operating system and start over. We have blocked that site now. It should be okay.”

LOS ANGELES -- Workers at an inner-city hospital where a woman died last month on the floor of an emergency room have received training on their responsibilities, officials said. Signs have also been posted at Martin Luther King Jr.-Harbor Hospital advising patients of their rights to get examined and treated for emergency medical conditions, according to a report released Friday by the county health department, which runs the hospital. The report details the hospital's response to the death of Edith Isabel Rodriguez, which was captured on a security videotape. Rodriguez died of a perforated bowel at King-Harbor on May 9. Her death was ruled accidental by the county coroner's office. The case stirred public outrage this week with the release of two 911 calls in which her boyfriend and a bystander unsuccessfully pleaded with emergency dispatchers for help. ( The Doom Brothers wonder if these people know the meaning of the world negligent?)

WASHINGTON -- U.S. troops would no longer be asked to reveal previous mental health treatment when applying for security clearances under a proposal being considered by the Pentagon. The Doom Brothers think that this is simply a wonderful idea. Why would we want to know if someone is mentally unbalanced when we are giving them the most dangerous weapons known to man? Not even access: we are actually giving them the weapons. What possible difference could it make to anyone that someone has a history of being mentally disturbed when they have missiles and tactical weapons of all sorts at their fingertips?

SAN JOSE, Calif. -- A journalist emotionally recalled Friday how a Los Angeles police officer beat her with a baton until she collapsed and lost consciousness when police used force to disperse an immigration rally last month. In the pro immigration rally the police used rubber bullets and night sticks to force people to disperse. William Bratton, LAPD Police Chief, is still looking into the reasons for the misconduct by the police. The Doom Brothers, having witnessed official Los Angeles’ policing of itself in the past, looks forward to the white paper exonerating the polices’ behavior as being accidental. After all, they obviously have preceded the military’s abandonment of mental health disqualifications.

WASHINGTON -- In his first public comments on the Bush administration's surprise decision to replace him as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Marine Gen. Peter Pace disclosed that he had turned down an offer to voluntarily retire rather than be forced out. He told the Doom Brothers exclusively, “I just could not leave my men in the field getting killed without giving them a reason. I kept trying to ferret out a reason from the ferrets in the Administration but I kept getting the runaround. First it was one reason, then another. But I was endeavoring to persevere when time simply ran out. To tell the truth, I am glad I am out of here. These fools have no idea of what they want.”

PHILADELPHIA -- Earl Hartman was a little rattled by something he says he found in a can of green beans: a snake head. The Philadelphia man said he found the inch-long head on his plate Wednesday night, right between a chicken breast and buttered noodles. He said it came out of the green bean can. “Yep, it just lay there on the plate looking up at me with them beady little eyes. Hell, it looked like money to me!” He said through his lawyer I. Susan “Sue” Foryeu.