News With a Difference

NEW YORK – “The busty brunette wriggles around in her pink bikini beside a picture of Barack Obama frolicking in the Hawaiian surf. She continues undulating in red underwear emblazoned with the word “Obama.” with these words, Maureen Dowd, the red-headed queen of the Lonely Hearts Club From Hell (NYC Division) excoriates one more Democrat. Actually the rancid bitch hates everyone but she saves her special venom for Dems. And while the Rude One thought she need a little love the Doom Brothers knows she just needed a mommy to tell her right from wrong since she obviously has no idea of what is right and what is wrong and keeps flunking the simplest of tests with disastrous consequences for her personally, for her paper professionally, and for the nation. She should be been placed in the pantheon of putrid punditry to wank away forever pointing out everyone else’s flaws to the withering wind and the uncaring seas.

WASHINGTON -- With Congress and the White House pushing to increases the use of ethanol, the oil industry is scaling back its plans to expand refineries -- which could keep gasoline prices high, possibly for years to come. Spokesman, Derrick Drilyers told the Doom Brothers exclusively, “Look, we simply do not have the money to do this. Everyone thinks that the oil companies are making money - and maybe we make a little - but not enough to actually do things like build oil refineries that are going to be useless when there is all this ethanol supplanting our oil. You have to remember that we have a short amount of time to make the few dollars that we can. Our children are starving and the poor oil producers - what problems they have!” As he walked away to his Rolls that was taking him to his jet to return him to his private island in the Caribbean and his mansion and servants, we honestly tried to see his point. . . .

DUBUQUE, Iowa (AP) -- Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney said Saturday that if he's elected, he wants ''to carry the big stick'' by increasing the size of the nation's military. He told the Doom Brothers military reporter, Gunnar R Ifels, “As a Mormon and a Christian I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for the United States to have a military that is capable of confronting all of the non-Christians in the world. They are everywhere and God has told me in a vision that this will be the last great fight between the soldiers of the Lord - our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and his prophets here on earth - and the infidels who oppose our dominion. We need this army to bring about the new testament of freedom and love: and if we have to kill a million or so, oh well.”

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A pair of U.S. senators investigating reports of waste, fraud and mismanagement in defense contracts in Iraq reported from Baghdad Saturday that they see some improvement but the military has a long way to go.Sens. Claire McCaskill, D-Mo., and Tom Carper, D-Del., were in Iraq meeting with Pentagon officials to discuss reports of waste, fraud and mismanagement in defense contracts. Uncountable billions of dollars have been squandered, McCaskill said, but there has been improvement in centralizing contracting oversight and increasing the number of fixed-price contracts containing incentives not to pad costs. That's a departure from the early days of the war when reconstruction money and other aid to Iraq was shoveled into the country with little oversight. And then there is the matter of the twelve billion dollars in American Cash missing. (Again, this story needs no Doom Brothers’ enhancement.)

ARLINGTON, VA - The Transportation Security Administration, infamous for really stupid rules has found their way into the news again. Seems that they demanded a toddler’s tippy cup. The child - obviously an Al Quida Plant - was the son of Monica Emmerson, a former Secret Service officer. The issue that brings this into the news is whether the WATER in the tippy cup was spilled onto the floor or dumped. The Doom Brothers would like to add just a little bit of sanity here: it was a toddler. It was a tippy cup of water. It was not a national security risk. Good Lord, the next time that something happens the Doom Brothers are willing to bet that the TSA will have done nothing to stop it.