News With a Difference

PARIS -- Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, in France for a get-acquainted meeting with new President Nicolas Sarkozy, is embroiled in fresh controversy over a previous statement about obstacles to Mideast freedom. Rice previously said that the birth pangs of Democracy were, by necessity, painful and messy but that, in the end, democracy would, “Win.” She denied that she ever said that the Arabs were too entrenched in religious hatred and tradition to ever forget these longstanding feuds long enough to actually sit and reason together. “I never said that they reason with guns and discuss with IEDs.” Rice sniffed, “I was misquoted again. What I said was that they try to reason about guns and discuss the IEDs that is all.”

WASHINGTON -- It might have been 80 degrees outside but it was snowing inside Ford's Theatre on Sunday, where President Bush attended a taping of an ABC holiday program. It was denied by ABC Executives that it was a ruse to replay the Lincoln adventures at the Ford Theater. The Secret Service was suspicious when the original entertainment scheduled was the Play, My American Cousin. This was quickly changed to a Country and Western Christmas Show and some actor named J. W. Booth was escorted out of the theater.

BAGHDAD - Saddam Hussein's cousin, widely known as "Chemical Ali," was sentenced on Sunday to hang for masterminding a genocidal military campaign that used poison gas against Iraq's Kurds in the 1980s.Ali Hassan al-Majeed, looking frail and wearing traditional Arab robes, stood silently as the judge read the verdict. As he was escorted from the Baghdad courtroom, he said: "Thanks be to God." It is widely expected by the Bush Administration that this final key to their plan will trigger the rejoicing in the streets at the presence of the American Military. General Patraeus told the Doom Brothers, “Finally we got this guy. With his death by hanging, available soon in DVD - both Blue Ray and HD - we fully expect that this conflict will soon be over. After all, what more could they want us to do: we have punished nearly all of the bad guys?”

BAQUBA, Iraq - U.S. and Iraqi forces say they have killed 90 al Qaeda fighters around Baghdad during one of the biggest combined offensives against the Sunni Islamist group since the invasion of Iraq in 2003.This brings the total of al Qaida killers killed to 30,000,090 the Doom Brothers are obliged to report.

LOS ANGELES - Scores of illegal immigrants, including a man wanted for murder and a convicted child molester, were arrested in Southern California raids this week, U.S. authorities said on Friday. The Immigration and Naturalization Service announced that their special unit, the Lou Dobbs Squad rounded up the illegals in a raid on a church earlier in the day where the Mexicans had tried to claim sanctuary. Spokesman for the group, Whitman Breade, said, “Yeah, they tried to hide in the Catholic church but we got ‘em anyway. And did you see that: like all illegals, they are murderers and child molesters and worse? We’ve got to build a wall around this country to keep ‘em out. They are ruining America!”

WASHINGTON: For some reason, six years after the damage to America’s reputation in the world and after our Constitution has already been mocked and dismissed as a piece of paper, the Washington Post would like people to forget their part in this denigrating of America by trying to publish some article that is mildly critical of the Vice President. The Doom Brothers point out that if you still read the Washington Post for anything other than aggravation, you really need some some deep therapy. They are liars and fools and enablers of the worst stripe. They are the problem, brothers and sisters, not the solution.