News With a Difference

WASHINGTON -- The number of blacks joining the military has plunged by more than one-third since the Afghanistan and Iraq wars began, as other job prospects soar and relatives of potential recruits increasingly discourage them from signing up. Reached for comment, one potential recruit, Christopher Nophoul, said, “Damn! Isn’t that about the stupidest ass reasoning you ever heard? Assholes! Ain’t nobody want to get their ass blown off for the lousy money they payin’. That’s it. Wasn’t too bad when there wasn’t somebody trying to kill you everyday in every way. But now? Shit.”

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A federal judge who used to authorize wiretaps in terrorist and espionage cases criticized President Bush's decision to order warrantless surveillance after the Sept. 11 attacks. Royce Lamberth, a district court judge in Washington, said Saturday it was proper for executive branch agencies to conduct such surveillance. ''But what we have found in the history of our country is that you can't trust the executive,'' he said at the American Library Association's convention.''We have to understand you can fight the war (on terrorism) and lose everything if you have no civil liberties left when you get through fighting the war,'' said Lamberth, who was appointed by President Reagan. Shortly afterwards agents from the CIA were seen in the area and a cell was being prepared for the good judge at Gitmo, the Doom Brothers learned.

BAQUBA, Iraq - U.S. and Iraqi forces say they have killed 90 al Qaeda fighters around Baghdad during one of the biggest combined offensives against the Sunni Islamist group since the invasion of Iraq in 2003. This brings the total of known al Qaeda terrorists killed to at least thirty million and the number of number two leaders killed or arrested to 156.

WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush, hosting Vietnam's president in a historic visit on Friday, welcomed warmer relations with a former U.S. enemy but warned that Hanoi must improve its human rights record if it wants to deepen trade ties. The Doom Brothers can report that Bush told the visiting president, “Look, just do what we do. We tell the press that we are doing the right thing. If you say it over and over again they believe you every time. Then you go out and do what you think it necessary and if they ask you about it, you just act offended and refuse to comment: works for us.”

WASHINGTON, June 23 — Last month, Congress set a deadline for the American commander in Iraq, declaring that by Sept. 15 he would have to assess progress there before billions more dollars are approved to finance the military effort to stabilize the country. The commander, Gen. David H. Petraeus, said in recent days that his report would be only a snapshot of trends, strongly suggesting he will be asking for more time. But even before he composes the first sentences of the report, to be written with the new American ambassador in Baghdad, Ryan C. Crocker, the administration is commissioning other assessments that could dilute its findings about the impact of the current troop increase. The Doom Brothers have surmised, as has much of the world that is not stupid and has their heads shoved up their asses, that the plan is to keep the troops in Iraq as long as necessary so that Bush can pass his failure on to the next President in hopes of having that president share some of the blame for this colossal foul up. Good luck with that, Bush. We were there, remember