News With a Difference

BAGHDAD -- Carloads of attackers descended on a police chief's house northeast of Baghdad at dawn Friday, killing the official's wife, two brothers and 11 guards, and kidnaping three of his grown children, Diyala provincial police reported. Though the police chief was not at home at the time. Contacted by our Doom Brothers’ reporter in Iraq, Eddie Ducks, the police chief said, “This is just like it is the United States. Just the other day I was reading about the same thing happening in Pasadena.”

HEILIGENDAMM, Germany -- A stomach ailment forced President Bush to miss some meetings at an international summit on Friday, but after resting in his room, he rejoined the gathering and prepared for talks in Poland on a missile defense system. “He feels well enough to continue with his full activities,” White House counselor Dan Bartlett told reporters. “He feels terrible about any disruption he may have caused. But when you are faced with both the Russians and German food in the same time frame it is difficult to keep the Hershey Squirts away. And man, you talk about the runs . . . .”

LONDON -- A judge said Friday that she will not sentence pop singer George Michael to jail for driving while impaired. District Judge Katherine Marshall did not immediately say what alternative sentence she had in mind. But having heard his music she determined that he could not be held to the same standards as normal human beings. . . .

WASHINGTON -- Consumer confidence tumbled to a 10-month low as gyrating gasoline prices and persisting problems in the housing market gnawed at people's sense of economic well-being.

The magnitude of the drop shown in the latest RBC Cash Index was surprising given the healthy state of the nation's job market, which is usually an important factor coloring consumers' perceptions of how the economy and their own financial fortunes are faring. This information was being reported by the RBC economists who actually do have both Earplugs and Blinders on at all times and are spoon fed information by business executives who are making money off the poor bastards they are depriving of wages. Quipped Doom Brothers’ Resident Economist, Desire’ Buchs, “These people have their heads so far up their asses that when they fart their cheeks expand”

ROME -- President Bush is visiting Italy this weekend, his first official trip here in three years. And in a sign of how much relations have cooled, Premier Romano Prodi had to ask Cabinet members to refrain from joining in public protests against the American leader. (Some articles just do not need the Doom Brothers to improve them)

WASHINGTON -- The Bush administration plans to suspend some of its new, post-Sept. 11 requirements for traveling abroad, hoping to placate Congress and irate summer travelers who've had their vacations thwarted by delays in processing their passports. An announcement could come as early as Friday, according to officials and lawmakers briefed on the matter. A spokesman from Foggy Bottom told the Doom Brothers, “Look, this is just one more fuck-up. What do you want from us? These are the same people who brought you duct tape and plastic sheeting as protection from terrorists! And the code system that was used before the elections. Give us a break here.”