News With A Difference

KABUL, Afghanistan -- A battle and airstrikes in southern Afghanistan left 30 suspected Taliban dead or wounded, the Ministry of Defense said Thursday. This brings the total number of killed Taliban fighters in either Iraq or Afghanistan to a staggering 3,000,0000,000 according to the Doom Brothers’ Scorecard. This particular battle took place Wednesday in the Garmser district of Helmand province, the world's largest poppy-growing region and site of fierce battles in recent months.

WASHINGTON -- Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute picked by President Bush as his White House war adviser, said Wednesday he had been skeptical of Bush's decision to send thousands more U.S. troops into Iraq. Of course, since being offered the job and the kidnaping of his children, he has changed his mind. In fact, now he believes that the "Surge" is not only a good idea, it is a Great idea. He told the Doom Brothers exclusively, "Listen, this surge can work. Honestly. All we have to do is believe. Too often in our world we have lost our faith. I am a man who walks down the street expecting miracles to happen. I expect one in this case and while I have no rational expectation of this: I still believe." And he went off sniffing drainpipes and reciting the alphabet.

LONDON -- A Saudi prince received millions of dollars for his own use as part of Britain's largest arms deal, the British Broadcasting Corp. said. The BBC says that the money went to Prince Bandar bin Sultan, who negotiated the $80 billion Al-Yamamah arms deal to sell 100 warplanes in 1985. BAE Systems, the prime contractor, has denied that it ever violated British law in relation to the contract. Prince Bandar refused to comment, the BBC said in a statement Wednesday. Prime Minister Tony Blair has taken responsibility for calling off an investigation by the Serious Fraud Office. Instead PM Blair referred this matter to the less important, Trivial Bribery Office since the amounted did not exceed the stated 100 million GBP amount for the more serious offense. Blair defended his actions again, "Listen, we needed the work for British Workers. And Prince Bandar? He was struggling and I just wanted to help him make ends meet. I mean the poor Prince was down to just eight or nine mansions. No one should have to deal with this: the poor fellow had to sell one of his jets."

TOKYO -- Japan's fertility rate rose last year for the first time in six years, the government said Wednesday. The fertility rate -- the average number of children born to a woman over her lifetime -- stood at 1.32 babies per woman in 2006, up from a record low of 1.26 in 2005, the Health Ministry said on its Web site. A spokesman for the ministry said, "Man, we are really chuffed about this. We have been doing everything we can to encourage this: subliminal messages on cell phones, constant broadcasts of "me so horny" on the radio, an increase of oysters in the sushi bars, Spanish fly concessions, perforating condoms, boxer shorts, pornography everywhere: it is nice when your life’s work reaches a fitting climax."

LAS VEGAS -- Authorities are investigating how three workers were exposed to radioactive plutonium during environmental restoration work at the Nevada Test Site, the National Nuclear Security Administration said. Two female workers for the test site's main contractor, National Securities Technologies, received the highest of what NNSA spokesman Kevin Rohrer characterized as ''minor radiation exposure'' on April 30 ''The exposures are relatively low, but they're high enough that it concerns us,'' he said. Under more intense questioning by the Doom Brothers’ reporter he specified, "I guess it is a little more serious than we initially thought. When that one lady started growing a bit we were concerned, but now that she is nearly thirty feet tall. What are we gonna do? And that guy? What is with him and that giant penis? Damn! This is one big ole mess. But you won’t tell anyone, right?" We assured him that it would only be posted on the Doom Brothers’ Blog and that no one will read it.