News With a Difference for Saturday

DUMBFUCK, KY: The man who plays Adam in a video aired at a Bible-based creationist museum has led a different life outside the Garden of Eden, flaunting his sexual exploits online and modeling for a clothing line that promotes free love. After learning about his activities Thursday, the Creation Museum in Kentucky pulled the 40-second video in which he appears. (Again, a story that the Doom Brothers do not need to improve.)

WASHINGTON: Fred Thompson’s expected entry into the tight Republican presidential race is drawing crucial strength from conservatives and older men, vaulting him into the thick of the GOP nomination fight, an Associated Press-Ipsos poll says. Doom Brothers’ Pollster, Nick L. Slots says, “Look, he is getting the real core of the Republican party: rich old guys who watch television and think that it is real. You know the type? They think that Robert Young was actually right and that Danny Arnold really did know best: ridiculous illusions caught in the milieu of the fifties.”

WASHINGTON -- Bitter divisions over the Iraq war, particularly on Capitol Hill, led the Bush administration to change course and replace Gen. Peter Pace as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, a grim Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Friday. Gates told the Doom Brothers exclusively, “Look, we just needed a change of Pace. We felt that General Pace had lost his rhythm and had simply petered out. Besides, when we are fighting a war against an insurgency in an urban environment, why would we want a Marine in charge? We think it is much more in tune with our theme in Iraq to have the Navy in charge of urban warfare.”

HONG KONG -- Thousands of workers at a plastic Christmas tree factory in southern China clashed with police after a 10-day strike, news reports said Saturday. Several hundred police arrived Friday at the factory in Shenzhen, a boomtown in Guangdong province, and tried to disperse the strikers, Hong Kong's Apple Daily reported. The workers -- most of them women -- have been striking for the past 10 days to protest the factory's long working hours, the newspaper said. The Doom Brothers point out that these people just need a lesson in Western Capitalism and Christian Charity. You are building trees to celebrate the life of a man who said give all your possessions to the poor and keep nothing for yourselves for the Lord will provide. Love your neighbor as yourself and the chances of a man who loves money achieving heaven are slim and none: don’t worry about it ladies, they will be punished for eternity. You are only punished here on earth.

WASHINGTON: New Gingrich warned that if the Republican Party did not repudiate President Bush and his policies and pledge allegiance to a new Republican agenda proposed by people like, well, Newt Gingrich, that the GOP will lose the White House and Congress in 2008. Addressing a conservative organization, the former House Speaker never mentioned the president by name, but his political point was clear. ''If the Republicans run a stand-pat presidential candidate who ends up being on defense for all of September and October and who is seen by the country as representing four more years, the fact is that Republicans are not going to'' win, Gingrich told the American Enterprise Institute. “That is why having someone like me around is so important. What with my superior moral positions, and my proven track record of being a love political force in America: I don’t see how you could reject my kind offer to lead.”