News With a Difference

HEILIGENDAMM, Germany -- President Bush on Wednesday discounted Vladimir Putin's threat to retarget missiles on Europe, saying ''Russia is not going to attack Europe. I know this absolutely. And with my track record of being right about everything . . . ."

VATICAN CITY: A man attempted to mount the Popemobile today but authorities discounted his attempt as being innocuous, ''His aim was not an attempt on the pope's life but to attract attention to himself,'' Lombardi told reporters. The man wore a pink T-shirt and dark shorts, a beige baseball cap and sunglasses. He vaulted up and over the barricade from the second or third row back. He got as far as the back of the jeep, holding onto it for a few seconds, before being wrestled to the ground. Reports of a flash of lightning and an ominous rumble of thunder were discounted immediately, "Hell, no. He just let go. But if he had held on a second longer . . ." Spokesman Lombardi said wistfully.

NEW ORLEANS -- In November, a judge gave hope to homeowners trying to collect insurance money for flood damage caused by Hurricane Katrina. Now, that decision is under scrutiny. U.S. District Judge Stanwood Duval Jr. sided with policyholders who argued that language excluding water damage from some of their insurance policies was ambiguous. Since that time however the insurance companies have hired numerous lawyers and other nefarious types to make certain that decision is reversed. Spokesman, C. Lyon Lipps, told the Doom Brothers exclusively, "Look, we are the insurance industry: we are there to take money, not give it out. What don’t people understand this? You really did not think that we could afford to pay for the damage caused by this storm, did you? Sorry, you are on your own here." When the Doom Brothers pointed out that this was the purpose of buying insurance, C. Lyon laughingly replied, "Right. You aren’t that stupid are you? You buy insurance because the government says you have to have it: that is it. Government, Insurance companies: no difference; get it?"

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Attorneys for I. Lewis ''Scooter'' Libby are preparing a last-ditch effort to delay the former White House aide's 2 1/2-year prison sentence, even as President Bush declined to say Wednesday whether he was considering a pardon. Bush is said to have quipped, "Nah, it will be good for the boy. ‘bout time he learned a little discipline. I will be sure to send him a case of K Y though."

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The productivity of American workers slowed sharply in the first three months of this year but wage pressures eased as well, providing evidence that inflation is being restrained. The Labor Department reported that the amount of output per hour of work for nonfarm businesses rose at annual rate of 1 percent in the January-March quarter. That was the slowest advance since the third quarter of last year and was below the government's initial estimate that productivity rose at a 1.7 percent rate in the first quarter. The Doom Brothers’ chief economist, Desire’ Buchs, offered this analysis for the easily confused Doom Brothers and Sisters. "Look these economic shit is easy. When they say worker productivity they are really talking about how much more your boss can MAKE you do for the same amount of money. That includes the shit they make you take home and the weekend work. When they are talking about restraining wages they are talking about either keeping your pay the same or cutting it. So, when they brag about increasing productivity and holding the line on wages: put on your cast iron underwear, cause you about to get it up the . . ."

WASHINGTON: Several Republican senators Tuesday called for President Bush to implement a new war strategy based on recommendations by the Iraq Study Group, which advocated winding down the U.S. combat mission. They also demanded that the President profess his faith in, The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Trickle Down Economics, Ketchup as a Vegetable, and that the Detroit Lions would win this year’s Superbowl. . . .