News With a Difference

HARTFORD, Conn. -- Connecticut Gov. M. Jodi Rell vetoed bill that would have allowed people with certain serious illnesses to use marijuana, saying it was fraught with problems and sent a mixed message to children. The Republican governor told the Doom Brothers that the proper message, the one that is approved at the highest levels of the Republican Party is this, she said, reaching into her purse for the official Republican Talking Points Notebook, “Diseases are a result of sinful living. As you have sinned before the Lord, thy God, you must be made to suffer in order to redeem yourself spiritually - to teach the lesson that you must not allow sin to rule your life again. Anything that eases this pain, therefore, is also a sin and must be avoided.”

LONDON -- ''The Lord of the Rings'' musical, the most expensive production in West End history, opened to mixed reviews, with some critics praising it as brilliant and others calling it corny and ''a thumping great flop.'' The Doom Brothers believe, sincerely, that rationality should have won the day here. Whatever else you may think about the world, singing orcs and dancing rringwraiths should have sent up red flags somewhere. And the proposed huge production number, Night of the Nazgul’s . . . .

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- A man who once agreed to help conserve fur seals has pleaded guilty to illegally selling their parts. Michael Richard Zacharof, former president of the Aleut Community of St. Paul Island Tribal Government, co-signed an agreement with the National Marine Fisheries Service in 2000 to help manage northern fur seals. Northern fur seals are designated a ''depleted species'' under the Marine Mammal Protection Act. Zacharof faces up to one year in prison and a $20,000 fine for selling seal parts when he is sentenced in the fall. He told the Doom Brothers’ Aleut Correspondent, I.M. Cold, “Look, these old seals break down all of the time. I was just providing a service to keep the seals working. Do you know how hard it is to get good parts for your seal? I don’t understand the government. First they complain that there are not enough seals then I try to keep the ones we have in good working condition and they want to arrest me.”

WASHINGTON (AP) -- An independent report on the Smithsonian Institution concludes that former Secretary Lawrence Small created ''an imperialistic and insular culture,'' that contributed to lavish spending and other problems at the institution, The Washington Post reported. The report was due to be released Wednesday by an independent group that looked into the spending and management at the institution, which includes 18 museums and the National Zoo. ''Mr. Small's management style -- limiting his interaction to a small number of Smithsonian senior executives and discouraging those who disagreed with him -- was a significant factor in creating the problems faced by the Smithsonian today,'' the report said. ''His attitude and disposition were ill-suited to public service and to an institution that relies so heavily, as the Smithsonian does, on federal government support. In fact, we find his style completely small-minded. Everything he die was small-minded in fact. There was nothing that he did that he failed to not think in a small way. The man could not help himself, it was like he was born Small.”

WASHINGTON -- The Army is considering whether it will have to extend the combat tours of troops in Iraq if President Bush opts to maintain the recent buildup of forces through spring 2008.
Acting Army Secretary Pete Geren testified Tuesday that the service is reviewing other options, including relying more heavily on Army reservists or Navy and Air Force personnel, so as not to put more pressure on a stretched active-duty force. He explained to the Doom Brothers, “I this way, we will actually be able to give them more rest. You see, if they stay in the combat situation longer, they will have more time at home. More combat means they get more rest. Get it? It is so simple, why didn’t they think of this before? In fact, I think I will patent the idea. Instead of eight hour work days, we will have fourteen hour work days, then you get more rest time at home: well, until the next day I guess. Guess we will have to work on it a bit. But it is a good idea!”

VATICAN CITY -- The Vatican on Tuesday issued a set of ''Ten Commandments'' for drivers, telling motorists not to kill, not to drink and drive, and to help fellow travelers in case of accidents. The document warned that cars can be ''an occasion of sin'' -- particularly when they are used for dangerous passing or for prostitution. It warned about the effects of road rage, saying driving can bring out ''primitive'' behavior in motorists, including ''impoliteness, rude gestures, cursing, blasphemy, loss of sense of responsibility or deliberate infringement of the highway code.'' It urged motorists to obey traffic regulations, drive with a moral sense, and to pray when behind the wheel. The Doom Brothers have their own addendum - The other Five Commandments, if you will for driving: No good driver would ever break ours.
1. If you are driving in an urban area that is subject to traffic backups, be aware that the Big Gulp or the Grande’ Coffee you are drinking might also have to be used as an emergency urine receptacle.
2. If you really have no other venue for sex, we suggest that you invest in a van or a station wagon. Sex in a subcompact is not for the geriatric set. You may displace more than your Viagra.
3. If another driver is rude to you and has hurt your feelings, we feel strongly that retribution is simply not the way to go. We would suggest that you point out, graciously, their mistakes using the middle finger on either hand.
4. The horn is for warning another driver that they are breaking the rules. Not for signaling the onset of an orgasm (see rule #2) or for retribution (see rule #3) However, if the person is the other car is hot and they catch your eye and you have no other means of communication, tapping out Morse Code on the horn(y) button is acceptable.
5. Whenever the road conditions deteriorate to the point where readers of this website understand that is it simply not safe anymore, it is always best to simply pull off and laugh like hell at the other drivers – preferably from a safe overpass.