News With a Difference

WASHINGTON -- President Bush has talked with British Prime Minister Tony Blair about taking a role as a Middle East peace envoy after he leaves office next week. Assistant Secretary of State David Welch, the State Department's top diplomat for the Middle East, talked with Blair in London on Wednesday, while the White House and State Department spoke glowingly about the prime minister's credentials but said there was nothing to announce yet. The Doom Brothers point out that this malapropism is actually fully in keeping with the philosophy of the Bush Administration. Our political analyst, D.I.P Shyt, tells us, “I think it’s possible. Look, who better to keep the peace in the Middle East than one of the two men responsible for the war that is ongoing there. I mean, it is just about perfect. Bush would be better, though. Can you imagine him sitting down with the Mullahs in Iran? ‘Now, come one, have a beer and let’s light some farts and talk about this. . .’ But since he seems to be occupied with his continued ruining of America, Blair would be a great substitute!”

DES MOINES, Iowa -- Republican presidential contender Rudy Giuliani said Wednesday it was a mistake for him to join the Iraq Study Group, on which he lasted just two months and failed to show for any official meetings. The former New York mayor has tried to tamp down criticism in recent days after Newsday reported that Giuliani was a no-show for two of the group's meetings and instead attended paid public appearances. ''I thought it would work, but then I read the agreement that I would not benefit financially from my involvement and I went, what in the Hell and tried to get out of it gracefully. I mean, we are talking some serious money here and they wanted me to just give it up: what a joke.” Giuliani said during a campaign stop in Iowa.

WASHINGTON - U.S. Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty said he never sought to mislead Congress about the firing of federal prosecutors but that his testimony earlier this year "was in some respects incomplete." In a statement prepared for delivery on Thursday before a House of Representatives Judiciary subcommittee, McNulty, who recently announced plans to resign, did not identify any omissions. But he said, "When I testified in February before the Senate Judiciary Committee, I testified truthfully, providing the committee with the facts as I knew them at that time. Having actually thought about what I said and having people remind me that they were going to tell what was going on and advising me that I had better stop lying, I thought this might be the right time to amend my statement so that I can try and keep my ass out of prison." He told the Doom Brothers.

WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush vetoed legislation on Wednesday that would expand federally funded embryonic stem cell research, triggering an uphill battle to override him in the Democratic-led U.S. Congress and likely pushing the issue onto the 2008 election agenda. In his statement, President Bush said, “We simply cannot kill to prolong lives no matter how attractive it is to do so. It would like invading another country that has done nothing to us, taking their leader and killing his children in the most hideous way imaginable, then taking him and hanging him grotesquely and posting pictures of it on the Internet and while doing this allow thieves to loot the archeological treasures of this great historical land while we bombed indiscriminately killing hundreds of thousands of people. What sense would that make? That is why I am vetoing this bill: we must find a way forward without killing.”

AMSTERDAM - China has overtaken the United States as the top emitter of carbon dioxide, the main greenhouse gas, because of surging energy use amid an economic boom, a Dutch government-funded agency said on Wednesday. A spokesman for the Bush Administration, Bill “Smokey” Skyes, said, “Look, this is only a temporary setback. We will get America hitting on all eight cylinders pretty quickly now and we will have our title as the greatest polluter in the world back in no time at all, just you watch. Hell, we have not even begun to pollute. Wait until we start subsidizing those diesel engines for cars! That ought to do it by itself! We will prevail!”