News With a Difference

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. may be able to reduce combat forces in Iraq by next spring if Iraq's own security forces continue to grow and improve, a senior American commander said Friday. He continued, “When the swallows come back to Capistrano we believe the time will be right for the troops to come home. After all, what could possibly go wrong between now and then? And you will notice that we purposely did not use the much maligned six month figure. This is actually about eight months. Those two months will make a world of difference! Just you wait and see. Besides, when have we ever been wrong about this war in Iraq?”

WASHINGTON - A Republican Congressman is pushing a not-so-quick fix in the debate over illegal immigrants from Mexico: free contraceptives. "A slower rate of growth of Mexico's population would improve the economy of Mexico. It would also reduce the environmental pressure on Mexico's ecosystem. But a slower rate of growth would also reduce the long-term illegal immigration pressure on America's borders," reasoned Rep. Mark Kirk, who also supports stronger border security in the short-term. “We just can’t have these ladies having muchacho after muchacho hoping to cash in America’s generosity. Even though their religion, and Catholicism is still not really a Christian religion you know, prohibits it, we know that America’s needs are far more important than any perceived religious belief on their part.” (And, of course, in reality, fertility rates have plunged in Mexico since 1980, when an average couple would have five or more children. Now, the country's fertility rate has dropped to 2.5 children, compared to 2.1 for the United States, according to United Nations data - but reality matters little to Republicans)

EDINBURGH, Ind. -- Staff Sgt. Elizabeth Cowie's mission -- and dream -- of serving in Iraq almost ended before it began when tests on a tumor confirmed the worst: She had breast cancer. Her Army National Guard unit was told earlier this year it would deploy to Iraq this summer. But an Army-mandated mammogram in April revealed a tumor in her right breast that was later found to be cancerous. The 42-year-old mother of two from Los Angeles is again poised for duty after an aggressive treatment plan -- including a May 22 lumpectomy, a second surgery a week later and a five-day targeted radiation treatment. Staying behind wasn't an option, she said.
''The commander said, 'Are you sure? You have an opportunity to go home and be with your family and go through this.' And I said, 'No, I have a family here. I have my civilian family, but this is where I need to be and where I'm needed,''' Cowie said. (Editorial: and what are the Doom Brothers supposed to say here? Sheesh!)

LIMA, Peru -- Peru's Congress has voted overwhelmingly to lower the age to 14 for participating in consensual sex, a move some activists said could expose children to sexual abuse.
Lawmakers voted 70-10 on Thursday to approve the measure lowering the age at which criminal law recognizes the legal capacity of a person to consent to sexual activity. It was previously 17. A spokesman for the legislatures, P. Edward Ophelia said, “Listen, children down here are different. They have different needs than those in other places. They ripen sooner and need to be plucked like fruit before they wither.”

BOSTON -- An ever-present aide to Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney took a leave of absence Friday after he became the subject of investigations in two states for allegedly impersonating a law enforcement officer. His attorney denied the charges. Jay Garrity, who serves as director of operations and is constantly at the side of the former Massachusetts governor, is accused of leaving a lengthy message with the answering service of a plumbing company on Mother's Day, identifying himself as ''Trooper Garrity'' of the Massachusetts State Police and complaining about erratic driving by a company driver. A spokesman for Governor Romney, Miami Resident, Angel M. Oroni, said, “Listen, we are not sure what is going on with Mr. Garrity. We know that he has asked for and received a temporary leave of absence to work for the O’Reilly Factor in some capacity. We are just not sure what Fox News has in mind for him.”