News With a Difference

RAMALLAH, West Bank -- Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told President Bush in a telephone call Monday that now is the time to resume Mideast peace talks, a spokesman said. The call focused on the ongoing situation following the takeover of the Gaza Strip last week by the Islamic militant Hamas group, aide Nabil Abu Rdeneh told the official Palestinian news agency WAFA. ''President Abbas told Mr. Bush that this is the time to resume the political negotiations and to revive the hope of the Palestinian people,'' Abu Rdeneh said. The Doom Brothers, being privy to the call, can report with certainty that Bush replied, “Who is this?”
“Abbas”
“I thought you guys broke up. I really liked Dancing Queen.”
“No, this is Prime Minister Abbas.”
“Right. Abbas. She was the Dancing queen of New Orleans - whoops, we don’t really talk about that anymore. Well, I’ll have Condi call you later.”

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- Pakistani lawmakers passed a government-backed resolution Monday demanding Britain withdraw the knighthood awarded to author Salman Rushdie, condemning the honor as an insult to the religious sentiments of Muslims. The Doom Brothers intercepted an internal communication from the Brotherhood of Muslim Scholars in Islamabad and, being experts in the language, translated it for you. “Brothers, we must do something about this really boring writer. His books are so dry that if someone were to light a match near them they would incinerate themselves. And they are also offensive to not only God but to anyone who has ever tried to read one. Let’s try to take his knighthood away.”

NEW YORK -- A woman arrested for exposing her breasts has accepted a $29,000 settlement from the city, her lawyer said. Jill Coccaro, 27, was arrested on a topless stroll two years ago, despite a 1992 state appeals court ruling that concluded women should have the same right as men to take off their shirts. Coccaro, who now goes by the name Phoenix Feeley, remained in custody for 12 hours before she was told prosecutors were not going to pursue charges. Her attorney, Jeffrey Rothman, told the Doom Brothers, ''We hope the police learn a lesson and respect the rights of women to go topless,'' Feeley told the Doom Brothers, “It was a nice day and I thought my puppies just needed the air.”

WASHINGTON -- Stabilizing Iraq could take as long as a decade, says the U.S. commander in Baghdad. ''In fact, typically, I think historically, counterinsurgency operations have gone at least nine or 10 years,'' Gen. David Petraeus said Sunday. ''The question is, of course, at what level. After all, it depends on what people really want to accomplish. Think about all of the good that we have done here. . . we have removed a heinous dictator who actually made the country work and replaced him with a system that has reduced this country to hell on earth. We have managed to completely trash the birthplace of civilization, do you think that was easy? We have managed to not only wreck this country but we have pretty much trashed the United States Army and decimated our own country’s programs that might have helped our own citizens by taking the necessary money to pay Haliburton and Brown and Root and the other Mercenary companies for this mess. You think this monumental fuckup will be solved overnight?”

CRAWFORD, Texas -- President Bush unwrapped Father's Days gifts Sunday at his Texas ranch where the skies let go a deluge of rain that turned roadside gullies into muddy ponds and closed the main road into this tiny Texas community. This severely limited his two favorite activities he pursues instead of taking care of the country’s business: pretending to cut brush and riding his bicycle with the Presidential Seal - Bicycle One, if you will. Wonder if he has a Presidential Seal on his chainsaw, making it Chainsaw One? The Doom Brothers, being guests of the President’s can report on his activities. He spent the day in contemplation, reading, prayer, and loving his family.