News With a Difference For Wednesday

EDITORIAL: Did George Bush get his watch stolen or not? Who cares? What is amazing is that Bush will meet the citizens of Albania while he is frightened to death of meeting the citizens of East Grand Rapids, MI face to face - so frightened that when he visited the city he changed his route of entry twice to avoid seeing them let alone meeting them. Why? Why will he meet with people of Albania and not the people of Grand Rapids? When you are reviled in, arguably, the most conservative major city in this country you have a problem. George has a problem. He is a hypocrite of the first order. He says one thing and does another. He says he is a Christian and then acts like a heathen. He never goes to church. He always fails to follow the Savior’s teachings. He says he hates war and practices war. He says he hates death and brings death to the world. He says he honors our soldiers and tells their parents not to sell their Presidential Medals on E Bay. And on and on: name a subject and he says one thing while doing another. The black is white logic of George and Republicans has been discerned by the American People and they are tired of it. They want him to answer for it: but he refuses. He will not meet with them. But he will meet with the Albanians. More hypocrisy. Whether he lost his watch or not means nothing. He has lost his honor and to most people that would means something. To him, not so much.

TOKYO -- Japanese are staying cool as a cucumber this summer with ''Pepsi Ice Cucumber'' -- a new soda based on the crisp green gourd. The soft drink, which hit stores here on Tuesday, doesn't actually have any cucumber in it -- but has been artificially flavored to resemble ''the refreshing taste of a fresh cucumber,'' said Aya Takemoto, spokeswoman of Japan's Pepsi distributor, Suntory Ltd. The Doom Brothers would point out that Pepsi might not want to get themselves into a pickle here: it might not be good for business. What’s next? Zucchini Zest? Endive Dive?

CHICAGO -- Doctors ought to quit using fuzzy terms to define children's weight problems and instead refer to truly fat kids as overweight or obese, a committee of medical experts recommended. Less blunt terms used by the government and many doctors diplomatically avoid the term ''obese.'' Instead, they refer to children many would consider too fat as being ''at risk for overweight,'' and ''overweight'' for those others would consider obese. The American Pediatrics Association has decided to quit beating around the bush and simply begin calling them all little fatties, porkers, pigs, and oinkers. The Fascist organization did not act upon the recommendation that obese children be segregated from proper society and kept from being educated with normal children or enjoying any of the other benefits of society because they are fat. A spokesman explained to the Doom Brothers, “What do fat people need to be educated for: no one will give them jobs? No one will ever be nice to them. So why bother? We are just going to put them in camps for their own protection.”

WASHINGTON -- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said Tuesday the Senate will face another round of votes on the Iraq war before the July Fourth recess, a strategy intended to show that Democrats are not giving up on efforts to bring troops home. This will done in lieu of actually doing anything of substance: like cutting off the funding except for the purposes of bringing home the troops or placing meaningful benchmarks on the administration and tying these benchmarks to the release of funds. Reid told the Doom Brothers, “Look, we don’t really want to do anything, we just want to make it look like we are doing something. If we actually did something then we would have to take responsibility for our actions and that would never do. You see, this is the best of all possible worlds: we talk about doing something but don’t do anything and the administration is blamed, along with us, for this failed war and the deaths.” The Doom Brothers were cordial and nodded our heads in agreement but we did not agree. In fact, that is about as stupid an argument as we have heard proposed.