SOFIA, Bulgaria -- The Bulgarian capital was aflutter with American flags to honor President Bush. There was just one glitch to the patriotic welcome: Every second flag was facing the wrong way. But as the Doom Brothers have often pointed out, every other second Bush is pointed the wrong way.
WASHINGTON -- Soldiers returning from war are finding it more difficult to get mental health treatment because military insurance is cutting payments to therapists, on top of already low reimbursement rates and a tangle of red tape. An army spokesman, Captain Rip Shredder said, “Man, I am so tired of these pussies. If they have a problem they should do what a man does: drink themselves into oblivion, hit rock bottom, go to the Salvation Army, find religion and then become loyal Republicans. What the fuck is wrong with these people?”
BEIJING -- Backpacks, caps and other licensed products for the 2008 Beijing Olympics are being made in Chinese factories that use child labor and force employees to work long hours for less than minimum wage, a report released Sunday said. Desire’ Buchs, Doom Brothers’ resident economist, simplified it this way, “Look, not only are these people making tons of money on this cheap shit they want even more. Tonnes if you will. I guess we have taught them pretty well. Child labor? I guess that is a step above the slave labor you guys asked me about two days ago, right? These Chinese: Nice people. Hell, THEY could be Republicans.”
WASHINGTON-- Majority Democrats in the Senate are forcing their Republican colleagues on the record about whether embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should keep his job. In an exercise reeking of futility the Dems are asking for a vote of no confidence in the biggest embarrassment to the Bush Administration since . . . well, Bush. The non-binding vote that means absolutely nothing is not expected to pass or do anything something the Senate Democrat excel at. A republican senator speaking off the record to the Doom Brothers said this about his brethren across the aisle, “Wanking motherfuckers could not be more easy to hoodwink if they were trussed up hawks.”
WASHINGTON -- Sen. Joseph Lieberman said Sunday the United States should consider a military strike against Iran because of Tehran's involvement in Iraq. Proving once again that the only good thing about Al Gore’s not being awarded the presidency by the Supreme Court after winning the election in 2000 was not having this fool as Vice-President, Lieberman proves once again that his ignorance absolutely knows no bounds. Not content to have America embroiled in two different wars without end, he thinks that three would be better. If you want to fight so badly, Lieberman, why don’t you take you and yours and sign up? Take Dick Cheney with you. You two can lead the charge. I am pretty sure with your influence you can probably even become leaders. So don your war gear, get your courage on: encourage your men to follow you into the streets as you don your Rambo style headband and hold that machine gun in your arms. Who would not follow such sterling examples of manhood? Why the testosterone fairly oozes out of your pores. And that voice! My God, what a manly thing that is! Hell has no chance when you command your men to CHARGE.
WASHINGTON -- Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said Sunday he favors immediately closing the Guantanamo Bay military prison and moving its detainees to U.S. facilities. Powell continued his apologetic behavior in an effort to atone for his egregious lies that brought America into this war. The Doom Brothers would simply point out that there are no words that you can ever utter that will excuse you, sir. So stop trying. Take the thirty pieces of silver and enjoy your retirement. Maybe the twenty thousand wounded and 3500 killed will not trouble your sleep - but the Doom Brothers hope that they do. Every. Damned. Night.
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