News With A Difference June 5

PRAGUE, — President Bush, addressing Russian criticism of his proposal to put missile defenses here and in Poland, said today that Russia has nothing to fear from the proposal, adding, "The cold war is over. We won. Now, we just need the welfare for these industries. Look, it has nothing to do with the Russians or anyone else. What do you want me to do? These people need the work and this is my way of giving it to them. Certainly the money could be better spent on things like food and education and opportunities for our citizens but as it says in the Bible, the poor will be with us always so what the fuck? But I want to assure the Russian people personally that this has nothing to do with Russia or anyone else. I mean, Russia is the only one with missiles and we are friends: so what good would this shield possible do? None. It is simply part of our Military/Industrial Complex don’t worry about it: I am just a tool and I am fulfilling my function."
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — A military panel has recommended a general discharge for an Iraq war veteran who allegedly wore his uniform during a war protest. When he was reprimanded, after serving his time in the Corps and in Iraq including fighting in Falluja, he responded with a simple reminder to his superior that he no longer had to follow his particular rules and that he further responded with a suggestion that he should Cheney himself
Marine Cpl. Adam Kokesh participated in the protest in March, clad in a uniform that had his name tag and other insignia removed - in other words - marine surplus clothes. After a hearing Monday before an administrative separation board at the Marine Corps Mobilization Command, the panel decided not to recommend an other-than-honorable discharge, choosing instead the general discharge."This is a nonpunitive discharge," said Col. Patrick McCarthy, chief of staff for the mobilization command. "The most stringent discharge that could have been received is other than honorable, and the board chose to raise that up to a general discharge." The Doom Brothers point out that Cpl Kokesh is not only honorable, but should be honored by all of us.

WASHINGTON, The Federal Communications Commission and the Bush Administration was dealt a sharp rebuke by the United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in New York. The Bush Administration had been trying to set standards of decency for television networks that they themselves refuse to follow. The hypocrisy was overwhelming and a spokesman for the court, Randy Fuxalot said, "We just don’t get why they are doing this: Dick Cheney regularly uses language that would embarrass a foundry worker. Bush gives the finger to everyone in the world; and then they have the temerity to criticize Bono. Shit."

GUANTÁNAMO BAY: The Kangaroo Court system designed by the Keebler Elves for the Bush Misadmistration has run into further trouble. It is illegal. After an earlier version of the system was rejected by the Supreme Court last year, the administration and Congress went back to the drawing board. The result was the Military Commissions Act, which was meant to settle a host of difficult questions once and for all.
Instead it just pointed out that in order for the law to be viable it requires that the administration actually follow the law - something they are incredibly poor at doing. A spokesman for President Bush, Suhr Lyzalot, An Indian National - The Bush Administration has decided to outsource as much of their work as possible to hold down costs, said, "Look, these people are terrorists and what laws did they follow they followed Saddam’s orders on 911? I mean, we know they are guilty and that’s that. What do the courts and the law have to do with what we know?"

NEW YORK: JC Watts, the Murdoch’s Personal Sla - ervant - commentator today apologized for the Fox network’s showing of Representative John Conyers of Michigan while speaking of Representative William Jefferson of Louisiana. "Well, youse knows these white fokes: they just get the sillies and they don’t means nothing by it. Lordy, theys is the bestest people eveh. I mean, they would never try to impugns that man Conyer’s reputation even though he is a bad bad man for unfairly targeting these good Christian men and women. But the Devil, he’s got slippery shoes . . ." Our reporter had to leave at that point for we were afraid that JC was going to start to tap dance and sing . . . .